Whispers from a Diary
by jakie Q
Summary: When Kendall comes across James's Diary what big secret does he find? And how will they both deal with the aftermath?
1. Chapter 1

Whispers from a Diary

Summary: When Kendall comes across James's Diary what big secret does he find? And how will they both deal with the aftermath?

Pairings: James/Kendall

* * *

1.

James grabbed his wallet and keys. He made sure to comb his hair before leaving his room. Once done he gave himself a once over, liking what he saw he venture out of his room that he shared with Carlos. He headed towards the door passing Logan on his way. "Hey, where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm heading out to get me a few things, you want anything from the store?"

Logan thought about it. "Um, bring me back some posted notes, Carlos used them all for some random foolishness." James smiled, snapping his fingers at him. "I got you. Be right back." He almost ran over Kendall and Carlos once he was out the door. "Sorry guys."

"Where are you going?" asked Kendall.

"Store, want anything?"

"Pizza!"

"I meant something other then food." he said rolling his eyes. He waved to the guys he made his way down the hallway, turning the corner.

Kendall and Carlos laughed as they enter there apartment. Carlos took a running leap on to the couch, almost falling face first. Logan shook his head, never a dull moment with Carlos. Logan went back to reading, he had a paper due in next weeks class. Actually truth be told, they all had a paper due in next weeks class, but the others pretty much decided to put it off till later.

Kendall went over to the fridge, grabbing himself a water bottle. He took a huge gulp, relishing in the cold taste of water as it rushed down his throat into his stomach.

"Hey Logan, can I borrow your I-pod?" he asked out of the blue. "I'm thinking about heading out for a run and I really could use some music."

"Mines broken remember, because of a certain helmet wearing freak." Logan said not want meaning to point fingers at anyone, but all fingers pretty much pointed to Carlos.

"How was I suppose to know that they break that easily?" he cried from the couch.

"Ok, never mind, I'll use mine. If I can find it." he mutter under his breath.

He went into Carlos and James's room. It was a mess, clothes all over the place. When was the last time they actually took the time to actually clean up. Probably in four days since Katie and Ms. Knight where back in Minnesota taking care of some family business. But that wasn't the important issue at hand. Finding his missing I-pod was his main focus.

Now where was the last place he saw it. He checked Carlos side of the room, pushing grey socks, old sweatshirts and boxers out of the way. He pushed them into a corner, not finding his I-pod anywhere.

He moved over to James's side, looking under his bed, he searched on top of his bed, he moved a sweaty shirt out of his way, body spray-- ah! There was his I-pod, the little sneak. And without any ear buds, great now he was going to have to look for those as well.

Why couldn't they just come attached to the I-pods so that people wouldn't have to worry about loosing them. He continued to look around, he looked through James's nightstand, looking through the top, then checking the bottom. He continued looking through the bottom shelf until he found ear buds right next to James's journal.

Wait, hold the phone. James had a journal?

When did he even start keeping one to begin with? Kendall never saw James writing in anything, not even in class. Most of the time he was daydreaming about lord knows what.

Kendall stood to his full height scratching the back of his head. Really? A journal? He looked again, yep, this was in fact James's since it had his name in bold white letters going across it saying: **Property of James Diamond, Keep Your Dirty Hands Off!! **

Of course when someone tries to tell Kendall not to do something, it makes him want to do it more, so of course it only made sense for him to pick up James's journal and give it a quick look over.

He flipped through a bit and found nothing interesting, really. He skimmed over several pages of random comments on their progress in LA with Gustavo. The only thing he noticed was that a lot of pages had been torn out here and there. A lot. In the middle of sentences, even.

Weird.

Deciding that there wasn't more to look at, he placed the journal back in the same spot that he found it. He picked up his I-pod and ear buds and left the room.

He had more important things to do then read a unorganized journal.

Running being on of them.

Three days later, as Kendall, Logan and Carlos all found themselves seating in the kitchen area eating Chinese food that they order. Kendall became sort of restless. So he decided to start a conversation. It was better then just hearing the gnawing sounds coming from Carlos.

"Did you know that James has a journal?" he said in between bites of his egg roll.

Logan took a gulp of his ice tea. He frowned, raising an eyebrow slightly. "A journal? You mean a diary?"

"James's a girl?" Carlos asked. He took a huge bite out of some fried chicken. "I mean that would explain why it takes him an hour to get ready in the morning…"

"Guys can have diaries" interrupted Logan.

Carlos gave Logan a once over. "Do you have a diary?"

Logan sat up more in his chair, shifting a little bit. "Well, no, _I_ don't." changing the subject back to James. "When did he start having one?"

Kendall shrugged his shoulders. He swallowed some of his the rest of his egg roll, reaching into to pull out his chicken and Broccoli with white rice. "I have no idea."

"But he has one?" Carlos asked for conformation.

Kendall nodded. He had some food in his mouth. He swallowed. "Yeah, he does."

Carlos cocked his head to the side. "You read his diary."

"What? No…of course not…maybe….I took just a peak."

"Kendall." scolded Logan.

Kendall winced a little when Logan said his name. Leave it to Logan to make him feel kind of guilty.

"What did it say?" asked a eager sounding Carlos.

"Nothing much, just about things in LA, nothing really all that worth reading about."

"Oh then what's the point?" Carlos perkiness deflated.

"Carlos…." Logan said in a warning tone.

"No, but I mean, what's the point of having a diary if there isn't anything juicy to read about. Isn't the whole point about those things is to write about your deepest darkest secrets that you don't want anyone and there mothers to know about?"

"What's the point of keeping a diary if you rip out all of the pages?" Kendall asked.

"He rips out pages?" Logan asked.

"Yeah. Lots of them," Kendall said.

"You mean to use the paper for other stuff, or you mean pages he already wrote on and doesn't like?" Carlos asked.

"Pages that he already wrote on."

Carlos was now very much interested. "Ok, that is weird."

"It is?" asked Logan.

"Yes, I mean if that's the case, then that means that James does have something juicy and he's hiding it."

Logan rolled his eyes. He swallowed a mouth full Chicken lo mein. "James's doesn't have any secrets. He wouldn't have to hide anything. He knows he can talk to us about anything."

"Yeah, but what if he does have a secret and its, like, really big, I'm talking Godzilla big. And he's scared to tell us."

"You think he tore out the pages of the book so he could keep a secret….that doesn't make any sense." said Kendall. He was starting to think, bring this up wasn't a smart move. It was a good thing that James wasn't home or this would be even more awkward.

"Look, you found the diary, you could have read it all," Carlos said. "If he tears out the pages, then no one can read them."

"So what was on them?" Kendall asked.

"That's the secret," Carlos said.

"No kidding," Kendall said.

"If James has a secret," Logan said, "we can't ask him about it."

"Who's asking?" Carlos asked. "I'm going to sneak around behind his back."

"We can't," Kendall said.

"You did, why can't the rest of us?" Carlos asked.

"But I didn't find anything. You might," Kendall said, "and that's not cool."

Carlos rolled his eyes. "Look, he'll never find out. I'll be like OO7, smooth, quick and go completely unnoticed."

"Of course you'll go unnoticed he's not here." said Logan.

"Which makes this plan a hell of a lot easier." Carlos wiped his mouth. He stood up from the table and began to head towards his and James's room.

"If he finds out he'll kill us," Kendall said.

"Okay. If I don't find anything by tomorrow, I'll give up. Twenty-four hours," Carlos said.

"Okay?"

"Okay," Kendall said.

"Do not ask me for help," Logan said.

"Wouldn't even image doing so. Kendall come with me."

Kendall raised his hands up. "I want no part in this either, I kind of regret telling you in the first place."

Carlos glared at them, putting a pout. "Find, I'll do this alone. Like the lone ranger, like Rin Tin Tin, like that guy from that commercial on top of the mountain."

Kendall and Logan stared at him like he had grown to heads. "Are you following any of this?" asked Logan.

"

I learn a long time ago not to really question Carlos, it just hurts the brain cells."

**TO BE CONTINUED....**


	2. Chapter 2

Whispers from a Diary

Summary: When Kendall comes across James's Diary what big secret does he find? And how will they both deal with the aftermath?

Pairings: James/Kendall

* * *

2.

Carlos decided that he was going to spring into actions once everyone was asleep. It would be an easy task. James sleeps like the dead, an earthquake could hit and he wouldn't feel it. It was around 3 in the morning when he decided to make his move.

James, as he had excepted, was snoring logs when slowly crept out of bed towards James side of the room. He carefully as he could, open his nightstand. He checked the top shelf. He jumped when he thought he had been caught, only to let out a sigh of relief when James's only turned over in his sleep.

He wasn't finding what he was hoping to look for. So he moved down to the bottom. He moved things about. James really did need to clean out most of this crap. It was taking up space.

He kept looking. Carlos came to the conclusion that James must have move the diary, but where? He looked towards the bed. It was a stupid place, but it wouldn't hurt to look. He first checked behind the pillows, slowly moving James, making sure not to wait the sleeping boy. Nothing. He then, tried to look between the bed, but that wasn't going to be easy. Hmm, he didn't check under the bed.

It was dark and he was going to need a flashlight for this one. Quickly crawling back to his side, he grabbed his bag and fished out his flashlight his father made him pack just in case of emergency.

He went back to James's side, nearly running right into the bed frame. He clicked it on and began looking under the bed. He found something in the corner, it look like a box. He pulled it out, sitting on his knees. It was of medium size. It wasn't wooden, but instead a dark grey metal box. He prided it open, papers spilled out onto his lap and the floor. They must have been from James's diary. He picked one up, he recognized the handwriting anywhere. Clearly it had been folded and refolded and read over more than once. He gather the papers, placing them back inside. He then closed everything up, shoved the box under his shirt, and disappeared out of the room.

He rushed to Kendall's and Logan's room, not bothering to knock. He jumped on Kendall's bed, scaring Kendall out of his sleep. He nearly screamed if it weren't for Carlos's hand covering his mouth.

"Shush! We don't you waking the others up." said Carlos lowly.

Kendall glared at him in the darkness. He sat up, yanking Carlos's hand off his mouth. "You're the one that comes running in here at…" he looks at the time. "3:25 in the morning waking me up!"

Kendall had the right mind to knock Carlos right on his butt. "Enough about your sleeping habits, I got the stuff." He pulled the box out from under his shirt. He hand it to Kendall, who was now completely awake. "And what is this?"

"Hello! There from James's diary. Well, the things inside are from his diary."

Kendall looked down at them, his mouth forming an O shape. "You took this out of his room?"

"Well, how else are we going to find out what he's keeping from us. It was the only way."

Kendall sighed. He should have never looked for his I-pod today. He should have just taken a nap. "Now enjoy those…" Carlos started to get off Kendall's bed and head towards the door, when Kendall grabbed his arm. "Where are you going?"

"Bed. Dude, its fucking 3:30 in the morning, I'm ready to sleep."

Kendall shifted in bed, grabbing the box and trying to give them back to Carlos. "Well, then take this with you."

"No way. I got that because _you_ wanted to know what was going on with James."

Kendall shook his head. "Noooo, you took it because _you_ wanted to know what was going on with James."

Kendall looked down at the box again. "Well, what's inside?"

Carlos shrugged his shoulders. "A bunch of papers, but I didn't really read anything."

"But--" Kendall was cut off once Carlos was out the room and the door had been closed.

Kendall slumped back in bed. He opened his nightstand, pulling out a flashlight that he got from Carlos's dad, he then open the box to find a bunch of folded papers inside. He pulled those out, looking them over. He then spotted some other things, he was surprise to find an old bracelet that he had lost three years ago in here, along with his retainer case, ok gross, and two pictures inside. He pulled those out. The first one was of Kendall, it was an old school photo when he was in the fifth grade, then the second one was of him and James, three years ago when they were 13, it was actually a group shot, but it looked like someone had ripped it apart and only kept the part that him and James where in.

That set off small alarms in Kendall's head. His attention was then back on the folded papers. He knew he shouldn't be reading them, but he had to say, he was slightly curious just to see what James had been writing about.

_February 17, 2010 _

_I had thought I had beaten this, its been nearly three years and I thought that I had completely gotten over my obsession, but that proved to be an utter failure. Its getting harder and harder each day to ignore these gnawing feelings. Every time he looks at me, or places his hand on my shoulder, or the way he says my name just sends shivers down my spine. I keep having the same dreams where he comes to me at night, wow I just made him sound like some kind of vampire or something. But he's way better then a fucking vampire. Though I wouldn't mind him sucking on my neck._

Kendall was completely thrown off once he saw the worlds 'he' in there and the sucking of the neck. He moved on to another entry.

_March 2, 2010_

_A new girl moved here to Palm Woods today. I don't like her, all the guys were drooling over her and I had to pretend that I was into her too. Stupid bitch. Her name is suppose to be Joe, dumb name for a girl if you ask me. But what I hate the most is how Kendall was so determine to talk to her. Why? Her eyes are too close together, her eyebrow color doesn't even match the top of her head and she's got the body of a ten year old boy. She has nothing to offer him. Kendall why are you so…so…so…argh, stupid!! No, I take that back, he's not stupid, he's sweet, caring, funny, smart, and he gives the best hugs….I really do have a problem don't I. Of course I do, don't answer that. But what can I say, I fucking love the guy. No really, I really do love him, a lot, like a lot, a lot. Its pretty much an unhealthy obsession. But I can't help it, I love everything about him. His smile, his hair, his eyebrows, his nose, everything. I would do anything just to know what it would be like to just feel his lips against mine, what it would be like to have him. I want him to look at me the way he looks at other girls, I want him to know, I want to tell him, I need him with me always. I know it sounds cheesy, but I can't help it._

Kendall stopped reading, he pushed the papers away from him, causing the photo of him and James to flip over. On the back it read **Mr. and Mr. Diamond Knight. **He shouldn't had read that, he shouldn't have, Damnit! He put them back in the box, not caring that they weren't the way that James had them original. He closed the box, pushing it away. He let it drop to the fall, slightly wincing at the sound.

He laid back down in bed. This was a mistake, a big huge giant mistake. He had no right, no right at all.

* * *

The saying 'you'll be angry with yourself in the morning' would best describe what Kendall was feeling the moment he woke up. He was angry at himself for finding James's diary. He was angry at himself for telling the others about James's diary. He was angry at Carlos for stealing this and giving it to him. He was angry at James's for having these feelings for him. It wasn't right, it wasn't suppose to be like this, not like this at all.

How was he even going to face James? Hell, how was he going to be able to face himself, knowing that he completely disregarded a friends privacy? He was scum, pure adulterated scum.

He showered and dressed quickly, he placed the box inside his closet, hiding it in one of his bags that he brought with him from Minnesota. He wasn't a foot out his door before Carlos accosted him, asking quietly with eyes full of anticipation, "So did you check out what was inside?"

Kendall bit down on his lip. He shook his head. "No." Kendall wasn't a terrible lying at all. He was actually pretty damn good at it. He could lie to other people. But he couldn't lie to his friends.

"Yes you did, you totally peaked." And that was why, they could read him like a book.

Sighing, he scratched the back of his neck. "Ok, so I look. I read one page." It was actually two but Carlos didn't need to know that. "And there was a picture, but nothing else to really go nuts over."

"What the page say?"

"I can't tell you."

Carlos frowned. "Why not? Is it that bad? Is James ok?"

"Yeah, its not bad…." _I really do love him, a lot, like a lot, a lot. Its pretty much an unhealthy obsession. _

"…he's fine. Don't worry about him." …._I love everything about him. His smile, his hair, his eyebrows, his nose, everything._

"Just drop it Carlos…" _I want him to know, I want to tell him, I need him with me always. _

The words from James's diary started to fill Kendall's head. He shook his head, pushing passed Carlos.

He was hoping that Carlos would drop it and go about his own business, but this was Carlos and he really wasn't the type to drop anything. No matter what it was.

"Kendall, I don't believe you, you look pale. Ok, what's going on?"

"Damnit Carlos, nothing is wrong with James." he was getting really frustrated. He ran his hands over his face. "Look, we have to put back everything you found, before Logan or James find out."

Kendall could tell that Carlos wanted to press the issue more, but the look he gave him was one that told him that the discussion was over. He pushed passed Carlos heading towards the kitchen, there he saw Logan seating on a stool, eating a bowl of cereal while reading the paper. He said a muttered 'good morning' and began to make himself something to eat.

Just as he was about to sit down James came out, he was freshly showered, his hair was neatly combed and he smelled of body Axe spray. "Morning guys."

"Hey James." said Logan as he pushed a huge spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

James moved pasted Kendall, completely unaware at Kendall's awkwardness towards him. He pulled out a bowl and grabbed the same cereal that Logan was eating. "Man, I had the best sleep last night. Its been a while since I've slept like a baby."

"Yeah, I know what you mean." said Logan. "It took me a while too. I think it's the fact that our bodies weren't use to the new beds and the new atmosphere."

James laughed a little. "Yeah, maybe that's it."

Carlos then joined the small group, not really saying much. He would glance over at James every now and then. Which was starting to get on Kendall's nerves. If he kept that up then James would know that something was going on. "Hey Kendall is that all your going to eat?"

"What?"

"I said is that all your going to eat? Just toast, nothing else?" asked James.

Kendall looked down on his plate. He was so concern about James that he hadn't realize that he had made his own breakfast. "Um, yeah, this will do just fine."

He couldn't do this, how can he just sit there having a semi-normal conversation, with James.

He pushed his plate away and got up. He needed air, he needed air now. "Hey Kendall? Where are you going?" asked Carlos.

"To the pool. I need some fresh air, I'll be back." He was just about to leave when he heard James. "Cool, I'll come with you."

He stopped, turning quickly around. "No! No, I want to be alone, ok. I need to be alone, just don't follow me. I'll be back." He ignore the hurt look that appeared on James's face.

Was he a little too harsh? Yes.

Does he regret it? Maybe a little.

Will he admit that to the others? Not a fat chance in hell.

**TO BE CONTINUED....**


	3. Chapter 3

Whispers from a Diary

Summary: When Kendall comes across James's Diary what big secret does he find? And how will they both deal with the aftermath?

Pairings: James/Kendall

Author Note: I just wanted to take the time to thank all the people who have been kind and great enough to comment my story and save it as either a favorite or story alert. That means a lot to me. So with out further due, please continue to the story.

* * *

3.

Kendall took in a deep breath of slightly fresh air the moment he made it to the pool area. He sat down in one of the pool chairs. The slight dizziness that he felt while in his apartment was slowly going away. Being in that room with James, and knowing his secrets made him feel so uneasy. He couldn't help but wonder what James was thinking when he looked at him. He had to stop thinking about these thoughts.

They were making him crazy.

It was confusing to say the least. When did James even began to feel these emotions towards him? They've known each for so long.

A better question is why hadn't Kendall, himself, notice his friends feelings for him?

No, that doesn't matter, feelings or no feelings, it isn't right. James is suppose to be hormonal teen boys who likes chasing girls, not boys.

* * *

"Um, ok what was that about?" Logan said breaking the silence. It wasn't like Kendall to skip breakfast or snap at them, especially at James. Carlos sat nervously, he stuffed his mouth full of food. He shrugged his shoulders as he continued to eat.

This was bad, whatever Kendall read must have been really bad to make him act like this. Taking one last gulp of his orange juice, he set out to go find Kendall. "Now where are you going?" asked Logan.

"Um, just to check something…I'll be back." Carlos rushed out of the apartment before he could be questioned anymore. If he stayed he was sure he would crack and tell James everything that he did.

"So, um that was weird." said Logan.

James nodded, he hadn't taken his eyes off of where Kendall had just been. Something wasn't right, Kendall hadn't once looked him in the eye or even tried to take any of his food like he normally does each morning for breakfast. Maybe Kendall was sick. He did look a little pale, and he was sort of fidgety.

"Hey James!" Logan sucked his teeth. He slapped James behind his head. It was the only known why to get the guys out of there small little make believe lands. "Ow! Totally uncalled for." James rubbed the back of his now aching head. "Yes, but it's the only thing that seems to work. Beside I was calling your name for at least four minutes and I got nothing."

"Well, what is it?"

"What to go to the movies? There suppose to be a double feature."

James sighed, there wasn't any point saying around here, Kendall apparently didn't want him around and Carlos was, well being Carlos. "Yeah, sure. Why the hell not, ain't like there is much to do here."

* * *

Carlos was relieved to see Kendall by the pool. He had feared that the boy took off somewhere. He took a seat next to him. They sat there in silence for a good twenty minutes until Kendall broke. "We have to fix this."

"Kendall, whatever is going on with James, I can help. Just tell me what you read and…."

Kendall abruptly cut him off. "NO! What did I tell you before? I can't tell you what I read."

"And why the hell not."

"It doesn't concern you Carlos, ok? Its not your problem to deal with." Now he was calling James a problem? In a sense it was a problem. You can't be in a boy band and be in love with one of the members, its not suppose to work like that. Well, so ok, there is that guy Lance Bass, who is gay and he came out to the world, but that was like four or five years after his band ended, so he doesn't really count, and he never said he was into any of the guys in that way, but still.

"So its yours?" Carlos ask to clarify.

"Yes, No, urg, look its none of our business, we shouldn't have been messing around anyway."

Carlos was getting sick of this same argument. "Kendall, you were the one that pointed out that he had a fucking diary."

"Yeah, I know and I wish I didn't. Because now I feel really fucking guilty." He stood up, pacing back and forth. He was starting to draw attention to himself. Something he really didn't want. He decided that it would be best if they moved somewhere with less people.

Carlos followed after him. "Why would you feel guilty?"

"That I can't tell you."

Carlos groaned out in frustration. "Here we go again. With the same shit. Its like we're going around in circles here. Dude, if you want my help your gonna have spill."

Kendall stopped walking causing Carlos to bump into him. He slowly turned around.

"What makes you think I need help?"

Carlos gave him 'are you kidding look'. Kendall rolled his eyes and kept walking.

* * *

They had only been gone for thirty five minutes when they had to turn back. Logan having the luck that he has, forgot his wallet. James had offer to pay, but Logan would have none of that. So while Logan went to search for his wallet. James decided to check on something.

Entering his room, he flicked on the lamp on his nightstand. He got on to his knees and reached under his bed. He felt around and was slightly alarm to find nothing underneath. He could feel his heart beat pick up speed as he completely bent down looking under the bed. He couldn't make anything out so he grabbed the lamp and set it on the ground so he could get a better look.

He was mortified to find nothing.

* * *

Kendall nodded. "We have to do this in secret, we can't let James find out."

"Can't let James find out what?"

Kendall jumped when he heard the voice. He whirled around to face none other then Logan.

"What are you doing here?" asked Carlos.

That's when Kendall took in Logan's appearance. He looked shaken, more so then he usually did. Kendall stood up, he wasn't liking this one bit, something wasn't right. "What's wrong?" he asked.

Logan let out a shaky breath. "Its James, I don't know one minute he's fine and the next he's freaking out. Come on."

Kendall and Carlos followed after Logan. "We were on our way to the movies when I realized that I didn't have my wallet so we went back so I could get it." Logan explain as they made there way through the lobby. They made it to the elevator just in time to catch it.

"I was in my room looking for it and I guess he went to his room for something and then all of a sudden I heard a scream. I went in and he was tiring the whole place apart. I've never seen him like this before."

They rushed back to there apartment. Carlos and Kendall jumped when they heard a loud smashing sound. Logan hesitantly open the door to the apartment. Logan and Carlos walked inside, while Kendall stood back. He took a deep breath before moving to follow the others.

"What happen?" asked Carlos, though he had a feeling he already knew.

Logan sighed, running a shaky hand over his forehead. "He kept saying that 'it was gone'. I-I didn't know what he meant. I tried asking, but it only seem to make him more upset."

Logan open the door of James and Carlos's room. Kendall was shocked to say the least.

Had James really cause all this?

Both beds had been turn completely inside out, pillows were ripped to shreds, the bed sheets had been thrown across the room. The closet had been smashed open, probably from James throwing himself at it. Clothes were all over the floor. Both lamps had been completely smashed to bits. In the middle of all this hectic mess was a shaking James. He laid across was one of the beds, his hands covering his hand. His hair was standing all over the place, and it looked as though he was slowly clawing at himself. He was sobbing uncontrollably. Logan rushed to his side, advancing at him slowly, he didn't want to scare his friend or cause anymore hysteria from the teen.

He carefully took James's hands in his own and pulled them away from his faces. Kendall slightly gasp when he got a good look at James. For the first time in his life James actually looked horrible. He had snot coming down his nose, his eyes were red and puffy from crying. He usual tan skin almost took on a pale appearance. His eyes were completely unfocused, it was like he was in a trance. He was still crying, but at least the sobs had calm a little.

Logan took the sleeves of his shirt and as best as he could wiped James's face. James finally noticed that there were other people in the room with him. He took in Logan's worried look and glance over at the others. He bit down on his lips. He didn't want them to see him like this. This mental breakdown was not meant to happen.

He put his head down, trying hard not to give in the sob that was trying to escape from the pit of his throat. He quickly got up moving away from Logan. "I-I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry." he said. He started pacing back and forth. "I can't find it. I was only trying to find it. Why--why isn't it here." He was back to panic mode now. "I-I have to find….Someone took it. Oh god, why!!" he rasped out. He shook, trying to hold back more tears that threaten to fall from his eyes.

Logan grabbed James, trying to hold him in place. "Find what? James, calm down." he looked over at the others. Why weren't they trying to do anything. They had been standing there with there mouths open. He shouldn't be having to do all the work. "Um a little help here guys?" he said through gritted teeth.

Carlos snapped out of his dazes. He jumped over the bed and help Logan with James. They both moved him to the bed. This time he didn't put up much of a fight.

"Now, can you please tell us what it is you lost?" asked Logan.

"My diary." he said softly.

"Your diary?" Logan frowned his eyebrows. He thought it over for a bit until realization hit him. He glared at Carlos.

"No, not diary. It was a box, it had--it had important things in there. I-someone must have taken it….I" he couldn't speak anymore, he was too tired and too broken to even continue. He laid fully on the bed, covering his head with his arms. "I want to be alone please." he said softly.

Logan glanced at the others. "James, I really don't think that's a goo-." James quickly cut through him.

"I said I want to be left alone! Get out! Get out Damnit!!" He stood up, backing away from the others. He grabbed what was left of a lamp and threw it at them. Kendall was quick enough to duck out of the way. "Get the fuck out!!" he screamed. He grabbed at anything he could used to make them go away. He screamed out at them, anger burning in his veins. Why wouldn't they just leave already. He screamed again, this time he pulled out one of the draws from the dresser and threw it at them. "GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"

The others scramble to make it out of the room in one pieces. Once out, Logan made sure the door was closed behind him. He let out the air that he had been holding in his lungs. He leaned against the door, trying to calm his heart rate down.

Once he was slightly calm, he turned his attention to the other two boys who were clearly shaken. Putting on a obvious demeanor that screamed mad, he glared at the others.

"Alright one of you start talking, now!"

**TO BE CONTINUED….**


	4. Chapter 4

Whispers from a Diary

Summary: When Kendall comes across James's Diary what big secret does he find? And how will they both deal with the aftermath?

Pairings: James/Kendall

Author Note: Thanks so much for all the reviews you guys it really means a lot to me. I actually have some news about another fan fiction that I'm in the process of writing, but I'll give you more details about that at the end of his chapter. So look out for that. ^_^

* * *

4.

Kendall had a slight case of déjà vu. He could have sworn that he had been face with something similar to this situation. Thinking back, he does remember when he and the others were playing hockey in the house and they broke his mother's favorite vase. She was livid and he and the others were forced to pay her back ever cent of the money that it was worth. About 350 dollars worth. It took them about six months to get all the money together. At the time he thought it was ridiculous that his mother had something that valuable in the house. Apparently it had been a gift from a relative that Kendall could not for the life of him remember who said person was. He wasn't sure if he had ever met this person anyway.

Shaking his head a bit, he was able to bring himself back down from his flashback to what was taking place in the living room, in real time.

An angry looking Logan stood in front of him, his eyes were slanted, his nose flared just a bit, and his hands stood firmly on his hips. If you were to give him a red wig, some make-up and put him in a blouse he would be a spitting image of his own mother. Kendall's eyes widen a bit, he bit down on his bottom lip. Ok, now is not the time to be thinking funny thoughts, they had a situation at hand here.

"Well, are either one of you going to talk?"

Carlos looked to Kendall, and Kendall looked to Carlos.

Kendall sighed. There was no point trying to pretend anymore. "We, and when I say we, I mostly mean Carlos…" that earned him a hard punch to the ribs, which he just ignored. "…took James's box." There he had said it. Now would be the time that the heavy feeling of guilt would slowly lift off his shoulders so he could go one living a honest life. That would be great, if it weren't for the fact that he was only telling half of the truth anyway.

Logan stood dumbstruck. He stared at his friends in disbelief. How could they do something so…Logan didn't want to believe it, but this wasn't something that could be, or should be joked about and by the looks on their guilt ridden faces, Kendall was telling the truth. "How could you do something like this?"

"We didn't do it to hurt him." said Carlos. "Besides we didn't look in the box, right Kendall?"

Kendall didn't trust himself to speak, so he gave a quick nod. He was such a shitty friend.

"And that makes it all better?" asked Logan.

"We were only curious about what he was keeping from us, that's all." said Carlos. "Where's the harm in that?"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "So you think its ok to scar your best friend for life?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "We didn't scar him, we just temporarily damaged him." Carlos said in a joking matter.

Logan wasn't amused.

"This isn't something to joke about Carlos. How would you like it if I took something that was valuable to you? You would have my fucking head on a plate!"

Oh boy, Logan was cursing, that was never a good sign. Logan was one of those type of people that hardly ever curse. If they did the whole world seem to stop and take notice. Kendall remembers the first that the Logan actually let the words 'shit' fall out of his mouth. It had been a result of Carlos thinking it was ok to swing a bowling ball around in the house. It slipped out of his fingers landing right onto Logan's foot. It was that day that they learn that Logan had quit the colorful vocabulary.

"Why are you getting so mad? Its not like we took something from you." said Carlos. Oh when was he going to learn to keep his big mouth shut.

Logan looked at them in disgust before turning to head back to James's room. "Talk to me once you actually want to take responsibility for your stupidity." They both jumped at the loud slammed as Logan close the door behind him.

Carlos covered his hands over his face. He screamed a little, all that came out was a muffled sound. He let out a sigh. He glanced over to Kendall. Why hadn't he said anything during this whole time? Kendall was just standing there like a fucking stature while he was getting his ass chewed out by Logan.

He was about to say something when Kendall, suddenly moved. He headed towards their room. Carlos frowned and decided to follow after him.

* * *

This was all his fault, there was no way to deny it. He had given Carlos the idea to take it in the first place. He should have just talked him out of it. But he didn't and now they're stuck with a serious problem.

Kendall pulled open his closet, grabbing his large bag. He opened it, rummaging through it. He let out a sigh of relief once his hands came across something hard. He pulled out the box. This was the reason for the shit that was going down. This stupid box. He growled under his breath. He stood up to his full height, he turned to leave and almost knocked Carlos down in the process. He pushed the box into Carlos's hand. "Here, you take this to him, since it was _you_ who took it out of his room. I-I don't want this in here." he said sternly.

Carlos was about to ask something, but one look from Kendall shut him right up. He took the box and headed out of the room.

Kendall scratched the back of his neck. That guilty feeling was still lingering. What was he going to have to do? Save a bus filled of orphans from falling off of a bridge? Shaking his head, he headed out of his room, making his way into Logan's and James's room. He slowly entered, not wanting to interrupt Carlos's long speech of an apology.

"So you see, we didn't mean to cause any harm, we just wanted to know what was going on with you. But I swear on my dead goldfish sonny's grave, that I, nor Kendall, looked through that box."

Kendall stood close to the wall, wanting to make himself unnoticeable as possible. He watch the way James cuddled the box to his chest. He had since stopped crying, but there were visible tears stains on his cheeks. His nose wasn't as snot covered as before. Which was a good thing, the snotty look really doesn't suite James at all.

James continued to hold the box to his chest, he sniffed, wiping his nose against his arm. "Are you sure you didn't, you know, do anything to it. Because if you did I swear I'll fucking kill the both of you." he was dead serious. He looked between Kendall and Carlos. Both showing no signs of foul play.

Seeing that things had resolved themselves Logan took it upon himself to start getting James and Carlos's room cleaned up, well as clean as he could make it look. That's when James seem to notice other things around him.

"My god, did I do all of this? Shit! Guys I am so sorry." He placed the box down and started helping in the cleaning.

Logan shook his head. "James, you don't have to be sorry about anything, you had a little meltdown and you had to let out your aggression somehow."

"As long as it was on the furniture and not me, I'm fine about that." muttered Carlos.

"I heard that." said Logan.

He gave Carlos a stern look before continuing on with the task at hand.

* * *

It took them about an hour and thirty minutes to get everything in the room to at least look like someone hadn't gone ape shit and did a motley crew job to it. The lamps were most definitely going to have to be replace, as would the nightstand draws. Telling this to Mr. Bitters was not something that was going to prove a wonderful job. But being the good guy that he was, Logan volunteered Kendall to do the job, since he wasn't afraid of anything.

Kendall made no arguments.

After almost having his eardrums blown off, Kendall was told that they would have to replace the lamps themselves, but that the nightstands would be replace with some other old nightstands from some other apartment that no was living in at the moment.

Kendall slowly made his way back to the apartment. He wasn't really sure what was going to happen after this. Yes, James now had his box back, but Kendall knows, Kendall knows his little secret that he was keeping from the others. It wasn't like he could walk up to James and start talking about it like he was talking about the weather or how crappy the hockey game was last Tuesday.

He was just going to have to pretend that he never once laid eyes on those papers. It was the only sure fire way to not hurt anyone else.

That would prove to be easier said then done.

* * *

It had been about two weeks after the whole James's meltdown, Ms. Knight and Katie still haven't come back yet. Kendall had gotten a phone call from his mother, explaining that the process was going to be a lot longer then she would have like it to be, but there wasn't much she could do about it, until everything was taken care of. That wasn't much of a problem for Kendall, he like the time he was spending from his mom and sister. He loved them, but sometimes having to see them all the time, 24/7 could be very daunting. He chose not to tell her what took place a couple of days ago, in fear that it would worry her. It wasn't like there was much she could do about it anyway.

Beside things were back to normal.

Well, ok that wasn't the total truth. Logan still wasn't really talking to Carlos, and Carlos was being extra pouty over it, Kendall was putting on a façade, he wasn't really talking all that much to James, he kept his distance from the boy. It was made a lot better since James mostly seem to keep to himself now. It was easier for Kendall to actually breath, but that didn't mean that the guilt was completely gone. It still linger and it would get worse whenever James was in the area.

The others notice and Logan had confronted Kendall on it, but he was able to derail the conversation. Anytime James was brought up, Kendall would quickly change the subject

As for James, he was slowly coming back to himself, for a while, he had completely closed himself up to the others. He hardly left his room and when he did, it was usually to get something to eat. He hardly showed much emotion and didn't get overly excited about certain things. He had even stop really taking care of his hair. Carlos chopped it up to some kind of alien had that taken over his body and was just trying to be James Diamond. Carlos had dubbed him pod-James.

Logan had decided that letting him stay up to watch _Invasion of the Body Snatchers _was a really bad idea.

* * *

Somehow, one day, Logan had convinced James that staying in the apartment all day would be bad for his skin so he had gotten him to head to the pool. James would have said no, but Logan had given him a puppy dog face, one that he thought only Carlos could master. Seems that those two had been hanging around each other too much.

James took a huge gulp of air as he leapt into the Palm Woods pool. This was something that he need, something to knock him back to his senses. He hadn't been himself lately and he knew it. He closed his eyes as he slowly sink to the bottom of the pool. He opened his eye, taking in the color of the pool. This was slightly peaceful. This beat staring at the ceiling all day long.

James then slowly resurface in the pool, gasping ever so slightly. He swim to the side, pulling himself out. He took a seat next to Logan and reclined back, resting his slightly aching muscles.

They were enjoying the unusually peace and quite of the pool area when Carlos came barreling through, knocking into people. "Sorry! Hey guys, you never guess what I just found out!"

Logan let out a sigh, he really wasn't in the mood for over hyper Carlos. He could just ignore him like his been doing, but that just prove to make things worse since Carlos just started following him around like some sick puppy. He looked to James for help, but all James gave him was a small smile. Rolling his eyes, he decided he rather know what it is that Carlos did wrong then find out on the ten o'clock news. "Ok, I'll bite, what is it?"

Carlos shook his head, almost giving off a child like vide. "No, you have to guess first."

"Carlos, just tell us what it is." said Logan.

"Guess first." he said stubbornly.

Logan groaned. Ok, he'd play for a bit. "Um, someone got mugged?"

Carlos shook his head, a huge smiled spread on his face. "Nope, guess again."

"I really don't know Carlos."

Carlos frowned. "Your not even trying, Logan. Come on guess."

"Is it something to do with a famous celebrity?"

"Nope."

Logan was slowly starting to loose his temper. "I give up, just tell me."

"But--"

James quickly intervene. He could see that this was going to become much worse then better. "Just tells us already, we're not going to figure it out anything time, so you might as well tell."

Carlos groaned, flopping down on one of the pool chairs. "You guys are no fun. Mr. Bitters just got a ping pong table installed in the game room. There's a huge ping pong tournament right now."

"So that explains why there aren't that many people at the pool today." said James.

Carlos nodded. "Yeah, you want to check it out?"

"Yeah, it sounds like fun." exclaimed James. "You coming?" he asked Logan.

"Sure."

* * *

Kendall woke up with a sheer headache. His vision was slightly blurred and he felt disoriented. Sitting up on his elbow, he remember that he had fallen asleep on the couch. He groaned, moving to sit completely up. He yawn, scratching the side of his stomach.

He got up, heading to the bathroom, he winced when he was met by the harsh bathroom light. He blinked, trying to get his eyes use to the bright light. He stood in from of the sink and mirror, giving himself a once over.

To put it simply, he looked like shit.

He hair was all over the place, his skin was pale and pasty, his eye, which were usually filled with a glint of mischief were now dull and almost lifeless. He hadn't been getting the best of sleep lately.

He turned the sink on, putting the cold water on full blast. He clogged the sink, watching as the water began to fill the porcelain sink. He turned it off just in time to stop the water from over flowing on to the floor. He began to take deep breaths, before plunging his head under water.

The cold was a shock to his system, something that he really needed. The only time he every did this was when he was stressed about something. It was only a temporally thing but it was better then cutting himself. It was a good thing he was squeamish when it came to blood, or he would be wearing long sleeves all throughout his time in LA.

After about two minutes, he pulled his head out from under the water, pushing his drenched hair out of his face. He took one last look in the mirror. He was beginning to really hate himself. He glared back at the reflection before taking his eyes away. He exit the bathroom, grabbing a towel on his way out.

He was in the middle of drying off his hair when he felt a vibration coming from his pants. He reached inside his pocket, pulling out his cell phone. It turned out to be a text from Carlos. He wanted to ignore it, but he knew how persistent Carlos could be, so he flipped his phone open. He stared at the bold black letters:

**Hey Meet Us down by the game room, Now!!**

He let out a loud groan, he wasn't really in the social mood at the moment, and he was pretty sure that 'us' meant, Logan and James. He wouldn't have minded Logan so much, but he wasn't ready to be anywhere near James. He had been putting an invisible wall in between him and James. At first James had been almost demanding, wanting to know what he did to make him completely shut him out. But after a while, James gave up with trying to break through to him and started ignoring him as well.

Which, he actually didn't really mind. The less amount of time he spent with James, the better it would be for him. At least that's what he kept telling himself.

He was about to send a text to Carlos, when got another one from him:

**And don't give me a shit excuse about you not wanting to come, because I'll be up there so quick your whole body will spin!!**

Damn, it was like Carlos had ESP or something. Rolling his eyes, he responded with a quick 'be down in a minute' He quickly changed out of his clothes, not wanting to appear in the same thing that he had been wearing for almost two days straight.

It took Kendall about five to eight minutes to head down to the game room.

The game room had been installed about four weeks ago. Mr. Bitters use the money that he had gotten from Kelly all those times to 'make something happen' and decide to put in a game room. In the beginning, it was meant only from him, but word quickly got out and everyone who was everyone started using the game room as there own personal, well, game room.

Kendall was shocked to see the amount of people that were there. He had to push past some, muttering a small apology when he almost knocked a person over.

He saw a large crowd forming around something, he heard the sound of loud clicking noise. He push through crowd getting a good look at what was going on. Jo and Camille where in an intense game of ping pong.

Kendall raised an eyebrow, when did they get one of these?

"Excellent, you made it!!" he winced his got a hard slap to the back, making him hunch over slightly. He looked to see Carlos standing next to him, grinning from ear to ear.

Kendall rolled his shoulders, trying to get the pain from Carlos's hit out of his back. "Yeah, I know I wouldn't hear the end of it from you if I didn't."

Carlos laughed. "Your damn right, I wouldn't have. Come on."

Carlos ushered Kendall through the crowd more closer to the center to where Jo and Camille where at.

Their movements were fast and sharp. They both were keeping up great momentum. The score was tied at the moment with eight to eight. Guitar Dude seem to be the unofficial score keeper as he was holding up panels with scores on them.

Everyone seem to be really into it. His eyes scanned over the group of people lazily. It was then that he spotted Logan and James, standing on the other side, leaning against a wall. They were in their own conversation, probably about the match since Logan would gesture towards the ping pong playing girls every so often.

Kendall's eyes traveled from Logan to James. It had been a while since Kendall had actually seen James. Even though they both lived together, Kendall made it almost his mission to stay away from James. He was still completely shocked by James and was in fear that he would slip up and tell him everything that really took place two weeks ago.

James was looking a little better seen the melt down. His skin was still tan, but it had more of a sun kissed look then before. His hair was still the same, though less messy. His clothes were more laid back then Kendall had ever seen. He wore a pair of black sweatpants and a white tank top. Then there was the smile. The smile that he had on his face wasn't the one that Kendall was use to seeing. James had a billion dollar smile. It would make anyone instantly fall over backwards for him. His whole face would light up, his hazel eyes would stand out even more. But now, it hardly seem to show. James was smiling, but it was a small one, almost remorseful in a way. It was completely fake now, and maybe Logan wasn't aware of that or did know but wasn't going to out him on it.

Logan must have said something funny because Kendall could make out James's light giggle from were he stood. The smile that Kendall knows James for came back in full force. It was actually the most calming thing Kendall has witness all week.

But just as quickly had it appeared, it was gone the moment James glance over to where Kendall was standing. One look into each others eyes was all it took. And in that moment, James knew everything.

Kendall's eye widen slightly as he watch the smile completely melt of James's face. It was replace with a deep frown. His face paled slightly. He stood much closer to the wall, almost as though he was trying to push himself inside. Kendall could make out the small tremble of his bottom lip.

James quickly cover his mouth, trying to stop the sob from coming out. He couldn't cry here, not with all these people. And not in front of him, not in front of Kendall.

_But lord, he knew, he knew this whole time! He knows every fucking thing. _screamed James's thoughts. He could feel tear filling in his eyes and blink them all away as much as he could. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks. _That means he lie…he…oh god_. James grabbed at his stomach, he could feel it cramp up and turn. He held on to the wall, feeling himself become dizzy. "oh god" he mutter out loud. He meant for it to be in his thoughts, but instead Logan had heard him. "What's wrong?" Logan turned to James, gasping when he looked at him. James was paled and looked like he was about to completely loose it again. "James, dude, are you ok?" He put his hand on his arm. "James?"

James did want to tell him he was fine, but that would be lying and James hated lying. Even though he has been living a lie for about four years or so. James, took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but he made the mistake of looking across the room at the person that caused him all his suffering for the past two weeks and he felt the bile shoot up from his stomach to his throat.

He quickly put his hand over his mouth and pushed his way out of the room to the nearest bathroom. Logan right behind him.

He had barely made it to the bathroom in the lobby when he threw up.

Kendall watched as James scrambled to get to the bathroom. Carlos had also witness the whole thing and was on his way to check on his friend. He stopped and looked to see Kendall going the opposite way.

"Where are you going?" he called out.

But Kendall didn't respond. He got in the elevator, his head down, eyes glue to the floor.

He knew he should had stayed in bed today.

**TO BE CONTINUED**….

**Author Note: **Ok so the new story that I'm working is called Code Name Phoenix. Its been the work process for a very long time and its going to have a huge cast of Characters. It'll be a series starting off with boy bands from the past and working into the some stars that we know and love today. Once I everything in order and the stories up, I'll leaves links for people to check it out if they want since the first two halves won't be on this site.


	5. Chapter 5

Whispers from a Diary

Summary: When Kendall comes across James's Diary what big secret does he find? And how will they both deal with the aftermath?

Pairings: James/Kendall & Carlos?/Logan?

Author Note: Oh I am a bad, bad, bad, bad, writer. I've left ya'll hanging for more than I wanted to. But I had been so busy with looking for a job and stuff, plus I had a little bit of writers block, but that's all gone now. I just want to thank you call also from those who have read the story, comment, and added to your favorites. It really means a lot to me to see all of you enjoy my story. I pride myself in making sure that the things I write are entertaining, funny, interesting and keep readers wanting more so thank you from the bottom of my heart. ^_^

5.

Logan watched as Kendall went the other direction. He frowned not understanding how he could just leave a friend hanging like that. He would have gone after him if it were for the urgent sound of his name being called. He would have to deal with Kendall later.

Kendall made sure he was the only one in the elevator, he completely ignored the calls from Logan and anyone else for that matter. He let out a shaky sigh. How is it that this whole amazing opportunity turned into complete shit so fast. They hadn't even completed their whole album yet and already there were band mate melt downs. Wasn't this suppose to happen to bands that had been going strong for the past ten years or so?

All it had took was one look, one simple little glance and everything had just broken. Whatever ounce of sanity or comfort that James had was gone. Kendall saw it, the small light that was burning in James had been snuffed out thanks to him.

Something in James broke.

James's heart, maybe.

James's trust.

James's hope.

Whatever it was, it snapped, it shattered, and fell to ground in a million pieces.

And Kendall was the one to thank for that.

James rested his head against the cool rim of the toilet bowl, if it weren't for the certain situation he would normally never place his head anywhere near a toilet, but at this point he didn't care. And he is pretty sure he probably looks like hell, because he felt like hell. He let out a small groan, when he felt his stomach turn, he bit down on his bottom lip, closing his eyes tightly until he could see little spots of white dots behind his lids.

He began taking in deep breaths, trying to push down the thought of throwing up again.

He didn't move once when he heard the door to the bathroom open and he didn't even flitch when he felt soft warm fingers touch his forehead. "Hey, James?" said the voice.

James slowly opened his eyes, slightly surprise to see Carlos standing over him, blocking out the bright shine of the cheap lighting. His brow was deeply frowned and his eyes had glint of worry in his usually playful brown eyes. It was strange to see Carlos so serious, so morbid. James reached out a shaking hand, he extended his pointer finger, reaching out until it lightly poked Carlos in the left side of his face.

Carlos moved away, raising an eyebrow. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Your face…." James winced at the sound of his voice, usually it was smooth and held strength to it, but now it was raspy and small, so fragile, like a baby fawn just born.

He cleared his throat before speaking again. "Your face, fix it. You shouldn't be making faces like that. Looking so fucking serious. Its weird."

Carlos shoulders slump a little. "Well, excuse me for being worried about friend that just puked up his morning breakfast. How do you feel by the way?"

"Like an elephant sat on me."

Carlos reached over to the side of toilet and pulled some paper tissue for James, he began wiping up the sweat that formed on his forehead and neck. He made sure to remove any traces of vomit that was still smeared on his lips. "What happen man? I mean, one minute your fine, the next…this." he said waving his hand towards the toilet.

James was about to answer when Logan came busting through, the door. "James?" He moved next him, crouching down to his level. "Are you ok?"

"I was just asking that." said Carlos, to sat on the floor, not caring one bit about sitting on a public restroom floor. "You were with him all day, was he ok before?"

"Well, yeah, he was fine. He didn't look at all like his was under the weather. James what happen?"

James sighed, staring down at his lap. "It must have been something I ate. It probably didn't agree with me." He brushed his hands over his knees, trying to remove invisible lint that was there. He started to push himself up when he felt hands hold him down. "Whoa, where do you think your going?" asked Logan.

"Yeah, maybe you should give yourself about ten minutes before trying to get up." said Carlos.

James would have rolled his eyes if it weren't for the fact that he was a little too tired to do so. He slowly pushed Logan and Carlos from himself and started to get up. "Guys, I'm fine. Its not the first time I've thrown up. Look if anything, I'll tell you if something is wrong. But right now I want to get some rest."

"But James…." Logan began to say, but James had left the room. Leaving Logan and Carlos behind.

A week passed. Then another.

Carlos sat down on the floor in the dance rehearsal room, watching Mr. X go over the dance routine with Kendall for the sixth time that day. James was sitting in the corner talking to Kelly, she had come over to see how everything was going and James seem to be eager to talk to someone that wasn't him, Logan or Kendall for that matter and Logan was chugging down a cool bottle of water.

His attention went back to Kelly and James, he watched the way he interacted with her. He seemed fine, but there was something off. He could tell, he knew Logan could tell, and probably Kendall, but he wasn't so sure about that since Kendall had seem to put up this invisible wall that none of them could get pass. Kendall had pretty much mentally removed himself and was going on autopilot. Acting as though everything was peachy kin, the world is made of gold and every time a cat sings a bird shits out gold. But it wasn't.

So he continued to watch James, but this wasn't the same James that was there a month ago, joking, laughing, coming up with some way to piss off Gustavo. No, this was someone completely different. He was so stand offish, he didn't really interact with anyone else unless it was during rehearsals. He didn't hang by the pool or he wouldn't dare step foot in the game room. And god forbid if Kendall was anywhere in a two feet radius of him.

Something was going on between Kendall and James.

He knew that, Logan knew that.

It wasn't that hard to figure out that something had gone down that wasn't pretty. Which is weird because even though James and Kendall are complete opposites, they still manage to get along really well.

Yeah this whole, avoiding each other crap was not working well. Not well at all.

Carlos sighed loudly, leaning against Logan's leg. Logan looked down at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Can I help you with something?"

"How long do we let this go on before we smack their heads together?"

Logan frowned a bit, before looking up at were Carlos's eyes where trained on. Logan shrugged.

"Who knows. Maybe we just need to give them time?"

Carlos raised any eyebrow. "Its been weeks and they still haven't said one word to each other. If Mrs. Knight was here, she would have already figure something out."

"How long does it take to handle a family crisis?" Logan wondered out loud.

Carlos clapped his hands together, quickly getting up from his spot on the floor. "I says we should pretend we're on a sitcom and lock them in a closet together until they make up."

"I don't know, sounds a little dicey. Maybe we should butt out of this."

"We can't Logan, can't you tell that this is a big issue?"

"It doesn't have anything to do with us."

"But that's the problem, it does. This is a band, we are a unit, when one man goes down, we all go down. We are being effected by this, you just don't realized it. When is the last time we all actually hung out together?"

Logan stood quietly. He looked down, almost in shame.

"See, it does have something to do with us. So now we have to fix it. Now, how does locking them in a room together forcing them to make up sound to you?"

"Sounds good. I guess"

"Excellent, Tonight?"

Logan sighed. "Tonight."

Carlos grinned.

"You know, you look a little like a mini demon right now?"

"That's because I am one, Logie."

He should have saw it coming, the evil smile that was planted on Carlos and Logan's face should have been the tip off, but of course he let it go, thinking nothing of it. Carlos was always smiling about something, he figure that he was probably going to try jumping out of the window into the palm woods pool again. And he thought maybe Logan had gotten some new math book or something. Kendall kind of wishes that was the case. Instead of him being man handled by Carlos and Logan, who were surprisingly a lot stronger then Kendall wanted to give them credit for.

He had been tackled from behind while he was heading to the Palm Woods park, a large brown shack was placed over his head and he was lifted off the ground, and carried through the park.

He is pretty sure that they got some strange looks from on lookers, but they've been in LA for eight months now and people have gotten use to their weird antics. Even Mr. Bitters, who was probably stuffing his face full of jumbo shrimp.

Kendall continued to struggle, even though it was completely useless, but he was a fighter and he wasn't one to give up on things.

Just as he was about to give one finally fight, he was dumped on something soft. The shack was then removed from his head and he was welcome by harsh cheap lighting. He then realized that he was back home in apartment 2J, but he wasn't in his room.

It took in him about 4.2 seconds to realizes that he was in fact in Carlos and James's room. He growled under his breath, quickly getting off the bed, he rushed the door. He grabbed hold of the knob and tried to turn. But of course being that his luck was completely screwing him, the door wouldn't open.

"Carlos! Logan! Open this damn door!" he shouted.

"No can do, buddy." cried out Logan. Normally, the idea of keeping a friend hostage in a room would be something that he would be totally against. But desperate times, call for desperate measures. He turned to Carlos, a frown appearing on his face. "Are you sure this is going to work?" he asked in a whisper.

"Hey, if its good enough on TV, then its good enough for real life." Carlos was so sure this was a full proof plan. He was sure of it.

Kendall stood in the middle of the room, not really knowing what to do. This wasn't his room, it felt like a foreign place to him. He notice that the bathroom door was open and steam was pouring out.

He had been so concerned about being locked in a room that wasn't his, that he hadn't even notice that he wasn't even alone. He could hear the sounds of the shower. Which meant that James was in there. He had been the first one to live rehearsals. So it only made sense that he would have gotten back to the room first and washed up.

Kendall now felt kind of awkward. He was standing in the middle of the room, a few feet away from a naked James.

He should be saying something. To make his present known so it isn't even weirder when James comes out of the bathroom and he see Kendall standing there looking like some kind of freak.

Kendall began to open his mouth when he heard a strange noise. He knew that it couldn't have come from him so the only person it could have been was…in the shower. Kendall had first confused the sounds of moans and gasps as pains, but was proven wrong with the second moan.

Followed by his name. More sweet, sweet gasps, more shuddering moans, and then his name again.

Kendall stood paralyzed, his heart beating painfully in his chest. He was afraid that it would come busting out. He could feel sweat form on his brows. He jumped when his heard the mixture of moans and whimpers as one and then his name again.

That got him moving. He rushed to the door, desperate to get as far away from James and his little escapades as soon as possible. But in his moment of stupor Kendall had forgotten that the door was locked. He began banging on the door like a mad man. Kicking and screaming.

James was…he was doing….he was touching himself….masturbating….in the shower…in the fucking shower….

He knew at this point James had to know he wasn't alone, not with Kendall going eight octaves high.

He started ramming his body against the door, he had to get out, break free. He needed to before…. As though someone had heard his silent cries, the door was quickly ripped open, giving Kendall the opening that he needed.

Kendall shot out of the room like a bat out of hell.

Logan and Carlos actually did a double take, confused as to what just happen.

It didn't take Carlos too long to figure out that Kendall had just escaped. Without having to say a word to Logan, Carlos rushed out the now open door of the apartment and followed after Kendall.

Another thing that Kendall had to give Carlos credit for is his crazy speed. The boy was quick when he wanted to be. Kendall had just made it down to the lobby, pushing past some people, when he was completely tackle from behind.

They both hit the floor hard. Kendall struggled to get Carlos off him, while Carlos took the time to take a seat right on Kendall's back.

"Get the fuck off me!" growled Kendall.

"Not until you calm down and come back upstairs."

"What in the world is going on here?" asked a female voice.

Carlos looked up to see both Camilla and Jo standing in front of him with confused looks.

"Nothing much, just you know, boys being boys." he offered a bright smile.

"This whole thing, makes me glad to have been born a girl." said Camilla.

Carlos laughed. He got up, grabbing Kendall by the back of his shirt. He pulled him on to his feet, and made sure to keep a good grip so he didn't loose him.

"Are you alright? You look like hell?" asked Jo.

"Oh him? His fine. Just you know, got into the coffee and little hyper right now, but we're gonna head back upstairs and wash that nasty stuff right out his system. Come on Kens, let's go."

Carlos quickly rushed Kendall out of the lobby, the last thing he needed was people asking anymore questions. Not like he would know how to answer them, it was just best that whatever was going on with the group, stayed within the group.

He pushed Kendall in the elevator, pressing the second floor.

Once back upstairs, Carlos pushed Kendall into apartment 2J, where Logan was waiting for them over back stools.

"That was quick."

"He didn't get really far." Carlos pushed Kendall forward. He felt kind of like his father whenever he caught a criminal.

"Hey, what happen after I left?" asked Carlos.

"Nothing all that major, except that once you guys left James quickly got into bed soak naked to the bone. I had to convince him to towel off or he would catch a cold. Good thing James hates being sick or he probably would still be buck ass naked."

Kendall hadn't spoken one word. He stood still, looking passed Logan.

"Alright, so are you going to go back in there? Or just tell us what's been going on? Asked Logan.

"At least we're giving you a choice," Carlos said.

Logan nodded. "Its either or."

"You can go in there and kill each other, talk, make up, ignore each other, but you're not coming out again until we let you out in the morning,"

Logan got a slightly frighten look on his face. "Please don't kill each other, I really don't want to explain that to Gustavo or your mother and between those two, well I would consider that a fate worse than death itself."

Kendall knew that they weren't going to let this one go. It would just be out of character for them. He wasn't one to give in to things, but he also wasn't the type of person that like to see his friends upset. Biting the bullet, he let out a sigh before slowly heading back to the room.

Once inside the room, he close the door behind him, not caring one bit if it was a little rude that he slammed the door on them.

He was back, right back at the scene of the crime. He rolled his eyes at that. There wasn't a crime committed here, just a young guy helping himself release some tension. If only that tension had been to another inspiration and not him.

He was still by the door, staring at the bed. He could easily make out the lanky figure that was hidden away underneath the covers.

Kendall sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "Hey, you awake?"

He didn't get a responses back.

He tried again. "I said are you awake?" he called out a little louder.

"No." came a sourly voice.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "Look, they aren't going to letting me out of here until the morning."

"So? You want a medal or something?"

_No need to be a smart-ass_, thought Kendall.

"I'm going to need to sleep." he was trying to be subtle about this.

All he got was a muffled responds. Kendall frowned. "I didn't hear you?"

James growled. He moved the covers away from his head, talking at the top of his lungs, making sure to pronounce each word as he spoke. "THERE ARE PILLOW IN THE CLOSET, THERE IS THE FLOOR, GOOD-NIGHT!"

"What?"

"Are you hard of hearing? Sleep on the damn floor!"

Kendall snorted. "Like you wouldn't want me in your bed."

James sat up in bed so quick that Kendall was pretty sure he would get a head rush. He heard a clicking sound, and then the room was engulfed in a pure light. Kendall winced a bit, not excepting the light. He blinked a couple of times until the light didn't hurt anymore.

Kendall mother once told him that he sometimes didn't think before he spoke, which was never a good thing. He was a blunt person, he called it being honest. His mother told him that there is a difference between people who are honest and people who are blunt. Honest people think before they say something, their words are meant to heal and inform, while blunt people have a tendency to say whatever words come to them without thinking about what the other person may think or feel. And it would wind up hurting that person dearly. His said he had his moments when he was honest, but they were over shadow by the bluntness.

He got that from his father apparently.

This was one of those moments that being blunt would bite him right on the ass.

"Don't you dare." James spoke in an eerie calm voice, but it still held a viciousness to it. It was low, deep and menacing, completely the opposite of who and what James was as a person. "Don't you fucking dare throw that in my face."

"Its true isn't it?" Why couldn't Kendall just keep quite for a second.

James's hazels eyes turn a warm brown, to blazing green. "Your lucky that there aren't any windows in here, because I would have thrown your stupid ass out one. Now I'm not talking about this anymore. You either get washed up and get in this bed, or you could stand the whole fucking night for all I care. But either way, I'm getting some damn sleep." As soon as those words left his lips, James resumed hiding underneath the covers, not waiting to hear Kendall's response.

Kendall sighed, feeling drained, he dragged his body to the bathroom. After a quick use of the toilet and a hot shower. He came out wearing just his boxers and shirt he had underneath his plaid shirt. He placed his pants on top of the medium dresser.

He walked slowly to the other side of the bed, not wanting to bump into anything since the light had been turn off the moment he went into the bathroom. He slowly got in, as if any sudden movement would have made a loud noise.

He rested on his back, looking up at the ceiling.

He glanced at the clock, groaning when he saw that it was only 10:45, so freaking early to be going to bed. Sighing he began to hum to himself, it started off really low, but started to raise ever so softly.

He jumped when he felt a boney elbow slam into his sides.

"Ow-the fuck? James! That hurt!"

"Shut up, I'm trying to sleep."

Kendall glared at the back of James's head.

Kendall stayed still, he rested his arms behind his head, he began to get antsy in that position so he turned on his side, his back facing James. James and him had shared rooms before, back in Minnesota when James's parents would have to work late and he would spend the night or vice versa.

They would stay up later than they were suppose too and just talk about random things. Or problems that they may had been having that day. It was totally out of character to just not say anything to each other.

But they had been doing that for weeks now, and Kendall would be lying if he said that he didn't miss talking to James because that was a bold face lie.

"James?"

"Go to sleep."

Five minutes later.

"Kendall?"

"You told me to go to sleep."

"Kendall."

"I'm asleep."

He heard a soft sigh, and then a sniffle.

"Are you crying?" asked Kendall.

"No, jerk-face."

"You're a jerk-face."

"Idiot."

"Dog-breath"

"Numb-nuts"

"He-she."

That earn him a swift punch on his back.

He hit back.

They both remained silent. All that could be heard was the soft sounds of breathing and the noise of the clock.

"James."

"I'm not playing this game again."

"I'm sorry."

James didn't say anything. _So much for taking the high road_, thought Kendall. He exhaled from his nose.

"For what?" came a meek sounding James.

Kendall rolled over, this time facing James, but not really since James still had his back turned towards him. "For everything." Kendall responded. "For hurting you, destroying your trust. I had no right, no right to look through your things."

James flinched a little, but it subsided as soon as it came. He slowly sat up, facing Kendall. He reached over to his nightstand and turned the lamp on. He didn't care that the moment there was light it made his eyes wetter ever so slightly. Kendall placed a hand over his eyes, blocking the light out as best he could.

"Then why did you?"

Wasn't that the million dollar question of the centaury? Kendall, himself wasn't exactly sure what possessed him to go through his friends things. He didn't even do that to Katie, and that was one of the unwritten rules of a sibling, to go raffling through younger or older sibling valuables. It was the only way a sister or brother could cause any kind of mental harmed to said person without it being physical.

But that only applied to siblings, not when its your best friend. Some can argue what was the differences? But it was the principle of the matter.

"Because, because I'm a stupid human being that doesn't know how to treat a friend. I really don't know what I was thinking. I wasn't even looking around for anything scandalous, I only wanted my stupid Ipod and then I saw it, which by the by, horrible place to keep anything important, just saying and then I winded up looking in, even though I knew it was a bad idea, and yeah. I'm gonna stop rambling now."

James moved up more on the bed, resting against the headboard. He pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on top of his knees. "I hate you." he said softly.

Kendall frowned, closing his eyes. "I know, its ok."

"You invaded my privacy."

"I know."

"Then lied to me about it when I asked you."

Kendall flinched, feeling invisible punches hit his body each time James spoke. "I know, and I'm sorry about that."

"I really do hate you, but…" James hesitated. He could feel tears form in his eyes. He wasn't going to cry about this. He wasn't. "But, I still love you."

Kendall was shocked by his confession. After everything Kendall did to him, after the lies and the neglecting, he still….

Why? "Why?"

"Because.." James lightly began to trace his finger across Kendall's arm, sending small shivers down Kendall's spine. "Your Kendall. I guess no matter what I will always really love you. God I sound like such a fucking chick right now. Look I'm crying like one too." He wiped tears out from his eyes.

"Hey." Kendall sat up on the bed, moving James's hand out of the way. He began wiping the tears for him. "No crying, huh?"

"I'm sorry, they won't stop falling."

"Your not the one who needs to be sorry. I'm the one that did this too you." He pulled James close to him, hugging him. James tensed up a bit, not knowing what to do. He lifted his hand and grabbed hold of the front of Kendall's shirt and buried his face into neck. "Its ok James, cry, just let it out. I know that you've been hold it in. Its ok."

And let it out James did. He cried for the loneliness he felt when he and Kendall stopped talking, he cried for the lies that were fed to him, he cried for hating Kendall, he cried for loving Kendall. He cried until there was nothing left in him to cry about.

Kendall pulled away from him, he got out of bed, and walked to the bathroom, he came back with a handful of tissue. He gave some to James, letting him blow his nose. "So now that all the crying it out of the way. I have to know one thing."

James sniffed. "What's that?"

"When were you going to tell me about your feelings?"

James laughed a bit, knowing full well that he was going to have to answer that question eventually. "Well, I had plan to tell you when were you at least 80 something years old, dying of Alzheimer's in a nursing home in Southern California."

Kendall raised an bushy eyebrow. "You had that all planned out, huh?"

James gave him a tired smile. "To the T."

James sighed. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What exactly did you look at when you had my stuff?"

"If we are being honest, I saw an old bracelet that I thought I lost, pictures and some of your journal entries."

"Ok, did you read them?"

"Yes, but only two."

"Which ones?"

"Um, one was dated back in February and the other in March."

"Ok, that isn't too bad. Because the other entries are, well a lot worse."

"Worse?" asked Kendall.

James looked away, his face turning a light pink. "Yeah, they um, are pretty sexual."

Kendall didn't need to hear anymore, he understood. "Oh."

"Yeah."

They sat there in silence. Neither one not knowing what to say to the other. "James, I'm sorry…"

James held up a hand. "Don't. I know what your going to try to say. I came to terms with the fact that there would be a chance that you weren't in love with me. I'm fine with that. I just wish, that I had been able to tell you all this without the dramatic events that took place before this."

"Yeah, I was a real asshole to you."

James shrugged. "Its understandable. I mean how many straight guys have a male best friend in love with them. It only makes sense you would act that way."

Kendall was getting frustrated. Wasn't James taking this whole thing a little to easy. If it had been him, he would have been yelling his head off, using every curse word under the sun and damning his future family members to hell and back.

"You are too good of a person, you know that. I would be cursing me out right now."

James smiled. "That's the difference between you and me. I take the high road. But that doesn't mean I got for *yawn* get." James settled back down in the bed. It was getting late and he was ready to get some sleep.

Kendall followed suite, resting next to James, facing him this time. He took James's hand in his, giving it a squeeze. "I'm glad that I had this talk with you. Maybe Carlos and Logan had the right idea to do this."

James hummed in agreement, too tired to respond back with words. Kendall felt a small smile form on his face. He reached over James, clicking off the lamp. He settled back down in bed, letting out a deep breath. Kendall watched James for a bit, before feeling the pulls of sleep take over his body.

As they fell asleep, the two boys laid facing each others, hands still entwined.

**TO BE CONTINUED….**

Author's Note: Ok, that took a lot longer to write then I was excepting. But its all good. This chapter is done, yay. And it seems that all the drama and fight is done…oh not by a long shot. it's the eye before the storm, the drama is just getting started with this group.

So Review: Tell me if you like it, what you think will happen in the next chapters to come, if you have any favorite quotes, anything. I read all reviews so, yeah. Bye for now ya'll night.


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